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Bad news on personal side

July 3rd, 2016 at 09:37 am

HI all

I had hinted at relationship issues before but never really talked about it... because I was upset and embarrassed and STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND. I figured I would share the news as I know some others have shared similar stories. My boyfriend of 3 years moved out Tuesday. He moved in last year.. so approx a year later he moved out. I never really felt good with him moving in as I was never really clear where this was going and I do not like the idea of 'living with someone' unless you are married or about to be and we never felt like a 'we'. . Anyway I have been unhappy for some time and stressed, criticized, and frustrated and feeling STALLED and like I was shrinking. I asked him to move out short term a month ago for a 'break' after an 'incident where he shoved me in an aggressive manner, threatened me, called me very bad names, actually SCREAMED them in my face (totally out of control) and was aggressive and VERY SCARY'. I was literally shaking. He said he 'paid money so had just as much right to the house as I did' and sortof blamed that incident on me.. did not say he was sorry and would seek help or anything like that...classic abusive sortof excuse.. anyway I was too stressed to just force it so let it go. There were other issues.. no communication, constant criticisms, I was like the butt of every joke.. in front of others too, he got home every day and watched TV for the rest of the night (NOT making this up).. was derogatory about my '5 year goal'.. did not believe I could do it. cheap...I have 3 cats (they do not pee on the carpet) and he puts his shoes on in the living room so the carpet was getting dirty. He never wore shoes in his own apartment by the way due to concerns it would dirty the carpet. I wanted to clean the carpet mainly due to that...so I asked him to pay 1/2 he was like 'well there are 5 of us here..'(meaning the cats). I iwll pay 1/5 and you pay 4/5'..I just did it myself.. sstuff like that.. very renter like in his actions and attitudes, he felt since I get the 'equity in the house' he should pay less. sortof I was responsible for everything and he sat around and watched TV and woudl do something when he felt like it. no interest in planning anything. no future talks, easy to let him anger escalate to scary, says 'he lives day by day and likes that'. I could go on and on. But never had that 'we/team' feeling or like we were in a close relationship that I could count on him or trust him or 'rely on him'. I am really PROUD of my 5 year goal and am focusing on it quite a bit. he was derogatory towards it and negative and critical.


So I attempted to talk to him last Saturday and he responded with nothing (no words.. really.. can not make this up) so I asked him what he was doing for htat day. You should not have to ask the person you are supposedly in a relationship with what they are doing for the weekend. Anyway I did ask. and he said 'he was looking for an apartment'.. so he did, signed a lease and moved out Tuesday.

There were obviously signs the relationship was not good from before. I let it go. I am now moving forward, rebuilding MYSELF and my self esteem again and determined not let my self esteem etc get so low or tied up in someone else or 'stall' my life and interests.

Financially as this is a financial forum. he used to pay $1700 a month.. this helped save more money last year.. I have lost that but it just means I save less.. I am not in trouble or anything. did not depend on that income.

I also tossed my guest room furniture and basement sofa set when he moved in. I need to replace

I have already done so.. Pottery Barn has a 25% off sales so I am getting some from there and some other items from Target etc .. trying to put together a cohesive look. I understand Pottery Barn is expensive but with the 25% off I am actually in line with what I would pay getting lower grade furniture at Value City

This also means I will mow my own lawn and need to have someone fix stuff (if stuff comes up). Of course, after he moved in. it seemed he helped LESS around the house..

So how am I doing.. struggling still. feel alone. sad. angry. bad .. upset.. down. I gained weight the last 6 months likely due to stress. and was not working out anymore. so gradually going back to who I was and wondering why I did not do it sooner.

Thanks for listening

This month appears it may be such a record month w the homes I can not believe it myself so will wait to share when rents come in (they are sent the 15th) to report

I have %500 left to fund the 401k

I am doing a SPECT scan (brain scan) in Georgia Tuesday_Wednesday at the Amen clinics (to evaluate my brain in general and for alzheimers. I set this up as a precaution and because I have an interest in medical stuff and want to live LONG and be healthy). I am driving out and love road trips. I am trying to meet a friend Wednesday who I have not seem for a while. I was very involved w the National Stuttering Association years ago and their convention this year is in Atlanta. I miss being involved in things like this. I used to give the job search workshop at the convention. I stutter by the way. This brain scan was set up last Friday before the announcement of him moving out.

I continue to save $ but my investments have not grown at all. they go up and down.. disappointing

Somehow who runs a financial blog wants to feature me> I expect it to come out this month. will send a link

ONWARD to a better, brighter and MORE FUN future.



Rachael

20 Responses to “Bad news on personal side”

  1. Laura S. Says:

    In the end, this is good for you, but I understand tough as hell right now. I am in a similar situation (not so much the verbal abuse though) and have yet to let go. I definitely can empathize and know the toll it takes. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

  2. crazyliblady Says:

    I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I have been in a good relationship long term, but did have some bad ones before that, so I can empathize. Hand in there and take care yourself. Do something for you, just you, like a massage, get your hair done. It won't fix the problem, but it may change your perspective.

  3. Dido Says:

    Sounds like you will be better off in the long run despite the current pain and sounds like you have this well in hand already.

    I have long been interested in Dr Amen' s work and will be interested to hear what you choose to share of the process.

  4. scfr Says:

    It sounds like he feels very entitled.
    I think you have every right to feel proud of your goals and deserve a partner who will be supportive.

  5. rob62521 Says:

    I am so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. $1700 isn't worth it (as you already know) and in addition to the pain, you have nothing to be ashamed of. He was a jerk and you are working too hard to take care of yourself and your finances to have someone like that around you. Prayers for your peace and that you find someone who cares for you.

  6. Rachael777 Says:

    Thanks everyone. i am trying to take care of myself. I did get my hair done (looks awesome) and got all new makeup. had not worn make up for a while but picked out some every day colors.. and just made myself up (just now).. looks good... REAL fun to try them on. feels attractive..and the make up lady said I had no dark circles or under eye bags to hide! (added plus)... I am stil want to lose like 20 lbs but feel attractive as is now which is nice. also got some work out outfits.. Anyway. I am prepping for this road trip tomororw. I leave around 6am.. getting house in order, leaving a note for my friend who will take care of the cats.. winding everything up. feels good ..getting map and gps set up. doublechecking hotel, printing out Dr info. doing an 'out of office' and some quick work for work and just trying to relax. will vacuum car too. I will share how this Brain scan thing goes. really excited.

  7. AnotherReader Says:

    In your shoes, I would get the locks changed. This guy has entitlement issues and I would not want him on the property while I was not there.

  8. creditcardfree Says:

    Who knows what wonderful person is waiting for you! Take care of yourself.
    And probably good advice from AnotherReader to change locks.

  9. snafu Says:

    Good on you to take action and treat yourself to some retail therapy. Updating your look and choosing a positive attitude goes a long way in welcoming new ideas and exploring all opportunities. We're looking forward to learning more about your experiences at Dr A's clinic.

    I too support the idea of having locks reset/changed. It's customary here to let police know you'll be away and have a concern about the recent break-up.

  10. ThriftoRama Says:

    Wow. You might feel lonely for a little bit, but in the long run, you'll say good riddance. He didn't treat you like someone he truly loved.

  11. LuckyRobin Says:

    Ugh. Sorry you had to go through this.

  12. Petunia 100 Says:

    Oh Rachel, a significant other who does not add to your happiness is not worth keeping around, even if he doesn't shove you or get in your face and scream. Good riddance! Best of luck to you. Smile

  13. debt-free by thir-ty Says:

    Breakups suck. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I admire your strength in doing what had to be done. You will definitely come out of it stronger, happier, and wiser.

  14. PatientSaver Says:

    I've been there too. from everything you said, I say GOOD RIDDANCE. You deserve so much better, and you will get it too. I would say he has anger management problems. Take care of yourself and forget him!

  15. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    While it's really hard right now, and may be for awhile, it sounds like this may have been the best thing possible for your long term happiness. ((hugs))

  16. CB in the City Says:

    I'm sorry you went through this, but glad for your sake that he is gone!

  17. alice4now Says:

    Sounds like the relationship had been painful for a while, now you have a fresh future to look forward to! You are not alone gong through this.

  18. Rachael777 Says:

    Thank you so much for the warm support. WOW! Just got back from my trip. will update on Dr Amen in a separate post. I will be short hours this week..but trip was well worth it. my guest room mattress comes tomorrow and guest room furniture comes in 2 weeks.. all very nice.. excited.. I got a foam mattress so will swap the Master bedroom mattress w the foam so I get the new one.. I got a real nice fabric tufted headboard from TARGET for like $200 really will complete the guest room look. Fun to be MOVING forward again but yes still sad.. no contact from this guy at all.. embarassing, makes me angry, sad, upset to have someone just 'up and move out' and not contact me at all (at least not yet). Some people are suggesting this is good for him amd I to think and that he will 'regret' this and see what he is missing and come back changed... Feels good to hear that but he would have to be significantly changed. Apparently others noticed he sortof took me for granted and was critical towards me. very bad. Anyway. Basement sofas come mid Sept but the tables etc come next week.. so exciting. house still looks good..

  19. My English Castle Says:

    Good for you--It's hard when something ends, even a bad thing, but you sound like you're doing well.

  20. snafu Says:

    Could you please google Working Woman.com to see their affirmations. I tried repeatedly to copy and paste but my Mac refused to co operate

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